


You ever feel too much and no emotion

by Siobhan2002



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Hates Himself, Adam Parrish Is Trying His Best, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, College Student Adam Parrish, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Food Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Richard Gansey III is a Good Friend, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch Swears, Ronan Lynch is a Good Boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:51:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siobhan2002/pseuds/Siobhan2002
Summary: Adam Parrish was tired.  What else was new?(Adams struggling and comes home for spring break and Ronan wants to help. Gangsey is there.)





	You ever feel too much and no emotion

**Author's Note:**

> (Title from fix me by froy) 
> 
> Hey!  
> Firstly I want to say thank you for clicking on my story!! It means a lot to me. 
> 
> Secondly, I just want to say this is my first fanfiction ever and I'm trying to practice how to write in-character and also practice my dialogue. So please, let me know in the comments what I can do to improve my writing! Any criticism would be appreciated :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! - Siobhán x 
> 
> \---

Adam Parrish was tired. What else was new? 

At this point, he wasn't sure he knew how to be anything other than exhausted. Working until his body could take no more and he was left with nothing but the feeling of aching limbs and stinging eyes was a habit now, one he didn't know how to break. 

This didn't go unnoticed by Adams roomate - Jonathan - either. He was constantly telling Adam he was working too hard, trying to convince him to take a break or come to a party, but he always refused. He wasn't at college for the parties, and he wasn't at college just for fun. So it didn't matter, right? He'll have plenty of time for that after he graduates, though he's not sure he knows what fun is anymore. Doesn't know what it's like to feel happy and carefree. 

Because Adam wasn't happy, not in the slightest. Although, he isn't miserable either. He doesn't really feel anything. He feels completely numb.  
He remembers the way his face went numb once, after being punched by his father. The harsh brutal impact, that left him aching and stinging before suddenly, he felt nothing. That's how this feels, he thinks. 

Persephone dying, Gansey dying, Gansey coming back to life, cabeswater disappearing, Noah disappearing, strangling Ronan, it was all one giant punch. Life hit him with a force he couldn't withstand and now he's left with nothing but the overwhelming feeling of nothingness. 

But he wants to feel something. anything. So he settles with the severe kind of fatigue that only comes from working hours at the local garage and pulling multiple all-nighters in a row on only coffee and a protein bar John forced him to eat. 

And for the first few months, that had been enough. He was getting straight A's in all his classes and was working more hours then he needed, making money one less problem on his ever growing list of problems. 

But it just wasn't enough anymore. So he settled for the next best thing: pain.  
Somewhere, deep down, he knew he was being foolish, but he wasn't sure he cared anymore. The Adam Parrish that was analytical and logical and always did what was practical, was screaming in his head that he knew this was a mistake. 

And yet, here he sat, the hunger pains merciless and harsh and growling louder then he thought he could yell. In a weird way, it was a familiar sensation, and almost comforting to him. Comfort being something he didn't have very often; especially with Ronan hours away.

Despite his hard exterior and obnoxious attitude, Ronan would be the first to offer Adam comfort if he needed it. Sometimes in unconventional ways, sometimes in a way you wouldn't even notice you were being comforted until you already felt better. Comfort disguised by jokes and cusses, by late night drives (well over the speed limit), by reckless but thrilling activities sure to leave them with scrapes and bruises.

And sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes it was so obvious and open, so gentle and tender. Comforting with hugs and cuddles, with soft kisses and kind words, and it was so new and amazing and scary and Adam could never get enough. Could never stop enjoying all the different ways Ronan could make Adam feel loved, feel known, feel safe.

But with him hours away, it took merely weeks for Adam to fall straight back into old habits and new much worse ones. However, It wasn't just Ronan that he missed. He missed Gansey, Blue, and Henry. He missed Noah. He missed cabeswater. 

Before aglionby, loneliness was as familiar to Adam as pain and tiredness was. Was something he'd learnt to deal with and ignore. But overtime, he found more and more people entering his life…entering his heart. Until their presence was a normal part of his everyday, a part that he loved. 

So what does he do now that he's alone again? How is he supposed to get used to this horrible aching in his chest everytime he turns to share a joke with blue, or make a sarcastic comment to Ronan, or share an interesting fact with Gansey and he realises that they're not there?

\---

Its 9pm and Adam has just come back from a late shift. He supposed he could study, but he also needed to pack for spring break. Ronan would be arriving tomorrow, after months of not seeing him and he couldn't be more relieved. Johnathan was sitting on his bed when he entered their room and pulled his gaze away from his phone.  
Johns eyes scanned him as he walked closer and furrowed his brows. 

Adam immediately knew that look. He hated that look.

'Man, did you seriously take another extra shift? What the hell did I say yesterday!'

Sighing, Adam dropped his bag onto his bed, 'look, i thought I could do one more before I spend spring break back home. It's no big deal.' 

He'd gotten used to calling the barns home now. Ronan beamed the most beautiful smile the first time it happened, and he thought to himself it wasn't the barns he was calling home, it was Ronan. But he figured that was probably too sappy and definitely would have earned him some snarky comment that ruined the moment. 

'dude, you look like a walking corpse. You're gonna kill yourself if you keep this shit up.' 

He felt his shoulders tense as though he was a dog raising their hackles, but before he could retort the unmistakable sound of ronans ringtone blared from his pocket.

'squash one, squash two, squa-'

Turning away from Jonathan he flopped onto his bed and lets his body sink into the warm blankets before answering the phone,

'hey'

'Parrish. You all packed and ready for the best damn week of your life?' 

Adam let out an amused snort

'Really lynch? That's a bit extreme, don't ya think?'

'man, im going to get a whole week to make out with your pretty face and opal will finally stop her i-want-adam tantrum. It's going to be fucking amazing.' 

'you think I'm pretty?' Adam drawled

' no. Im dating you although I think you're incredibly ugly…of course i fucking think you're pretty Parrish, I have eyes.' 

He was glad Ronan couldn't see his blushing cheeks right now.

'so, as I said, are you packed because I'm not waiting ages for your ass in the morning. I'm pretty sure if I spend more then 30 minutes at a college campus I'll get hives' 

'n-' he's cut off by an overbearing yawn and rubs the heels of his palms on his stinging eyes.

'tired parrish?'

'Hmm' he struggles to keep his eyes open.

'Jesus Christ get some sleep, okay? I'll see you on the morning.' 

And with that, he hung up. The phone fell from Adams grip onto the pillow next to his head and he slowly drifts off into another night filled with horror and fear and bloody fists, and dying friends. 

\---

 

Ronan was restless. It had been months since he last saw Adam and now here he was, outside his dorm room, waiting. 

Jesus fucking Christ, what was taking him so long?

Ronan bashed on the door again, and again, and again, until the door flew open with a cute and messy- haired Adam glaring at him from the doorway. He was still in his pyjamas and his sweatpants rested low on his hips. God, was he trying to kill him? 

Ronan barged past Adam and walked into the small room, 'Wakey wakey sleeping beauty' 

as he ventured to Adams side he looked over the desk covered with open books and highlighters, the clothes in his drawers spilling out. With a sigh he turned back to face Adam  
'I thought I told you to pack you're shit before I got here' he waved his arms drastically around the room and let out several curses under his breath.

'sorry' he croaked, his voice rough and raspy.

Ronan began to look at Adam. To really look at him, and at every detail he spent memorising and missing these past months. When he looked closer he noticed the deep purple bags under his eyes, the way his jawline was sharper, collarbone more prominent. He took a few steps and closed the distance between them until he was looking directly into Adams eyes. They seemed hollow. Empty.  
Ronan felt his stomach drop.

'whats wrong?'

Adam blinked a few times and cocked his head to the side - which ronan would have found incredibly adorable if he wasn't so worried - before answering.

'nothings wrong, I just didn't sleep a lot last night Is all. It'll only take me 10mins anyway, don't worry'

Backing away from Ronan he began taking things from around the room and shoving them into his bag. 

Ronan watched him. Watched the way his hands had the slightest shake, the way his movements were so slow, as though he were moving underwater. 

Overwhelmed with concern he walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his body, nestling his head into the crook of Adams neck. He didn't miss the way his hand felt his ribs beneath his t-shirt. 

'I missed you' he said. and he did. He missed him so much it hurt, but knowing Adam was struggling hurt more. 

Adam relaxed into Ronan letting his body heat warm his chill bones. 

'i missed you too.' 

They stood like that for a few more minutes until Adams stomach grumbled loudly startling them both. 

'we can pick up food on the way. I'm fucking starving too' 

he wasn't.

Adam looked as though he wanted to argue, but settled with a slow nod of the head and began to get ready for the long drive ahead of them. 

\---

Aside from the music playing softly from the radio, the car ride was silent. This wasn't particularly unusual, in fact this was how most of their car rides went, but there was an uneasy feeling rooted deep in Ronan's core that tells him this was not a usual silence. 

This wasn't them feeling comforted by nearly the presence of eachother, of them listening to the sound of eachother s breaths, or because they were merely lost in thought. 

This was more. This was a silence they were so aware of it became suffocating. But neither broke it. Or addressed it.

Well, that is untill Ronan spotted half of Adams burger hidden beneath the wrappers. How had he not noticed? He'd been so focused, watching but not letting Adam know he was, something he'd had lots of practice doing. So how the hell did he not notice? 

Ronan wonders how long he hasn't noticed.

'so,' Ronan tries, needing to speak but not knowing what to say, 'we'll meet the others when we go pick up the brat from foxway tomorrow.' 

'okay' was all he replied. Quiet, fragile. 

Pulling into the driveway he slammed the brakes and turned to face Adam.

There was so much emotion in that single word, so much pain it snapped Ronan from whatever stunned trance he was in, untill the worry morphed and twisted into an ugly fury that seeped into his words.

'The fuck is going on Parrish? And no,' Ronan snaps at Adams gentle shake of the head, 'dont say nothing. Don't fucking lie to me. I'm not stupid.' 

Still, Adam sat. Silence descended over the car once again. Ronan knew sometimes Adam needed time, time to think of the words he wanted to say and how he was supposed to say them. 

It was a rarity Adam spoke on impulse, the words coming out before he could analyse every one. And when he did, it was a sarcastic comment, a witty remark, a comeback to something someone (typically Ronan) had said. 

Or it was a dagger. A blade striking their opponent down with a single movement. His anger was something Adam focused control on, something he hated to let loose, but much like Ronan he has a short temper that destroys his control for just a moment if provoked. 

Ronan knew how to provoke. 

When the silence continued and Adam made no attempt to break it, he got out the car and marched into the barns, slamming every door on his way. He went to the kitchen, opened the fridge. Slammed it. Opened it again. Slammed it again.

He heard something fall down inside. Oops.

'You done?' Adam asks from his place at the doorway of the kitchen, arms crossed against his chest and head leaning against the frame.

Was he done? 

He slammed it one more time. A bottle fell out. 

'Good to know you're still as dramatic as ever.' Adam says, eyeing the ketchup bottle on the floor. 

Ronan takes a deep breath and tries to control his worry, tries to release the grip his anger has on it.

'Oh yes, still very much dramatic. And still very much not putting up with your shit. So Talk.  
…  
Now.'

Adam sighs, walking away from the doorway and shouts over his shoulder, 'you coming or what?' 

Ronan replies by following him all the way to the bedroom where Adam lays, one hand behind his head and the other on his stomach. Or what there was left of it.

He tries to lay down gently next to him, but being Ronan didn't manage very well, and flops down onto the mattress with a heavy thud. 

They lay there for a while, not speaking. But this silence was different. He doesn't know why. Or how. Just that it is. That it's more.

'im sorry.' 

'i don't want an apology, Adam. I want an explanation. I want my boyfriend to feel like he can fucking talk to me, because he can. I want to help. I want...I want you, Adam. I want you. So please, don't shut yourself away. Don't leave.'

'im not leaving.' he says.

Ronan doesn't even try to hide the crack in his voice, 'i think you already have.'

Adam rolls over, propping himself up on his elbows and turning to look at Ronan laying at his side.

'im right here, Ronan. I'm here and I'm okay and -' 

He doesn't even need to Ronan to tell him how obviously wrong that is. He's not okay. And he is leaving. He's wasting away, slowly killing himself, and doing nothing but make it happen faster. He doesn't want too. Not really. But why stay? Why would anyone want to stay in this world, this reality, this fucked up ordeal people call life that brought nothing but pain and struggle. Why?

Well, he knows why. He knows exactly what it is and who it is that he's fighting for. Himself included.

Adam Parrish wasn't a quitter. He didn't give up. Didn't let anything break him.

But life wasn't just anything. It was everything.

Yes, he survived the abuse from his parents. The crazy workloads. The grief. The third sleeper. The greenmantles. Welk. Hitmen. 

He survived magic and dark magic. Demons and killers. All on no food and no sleep. 

He survived.

But tangle those things together, the pain and destruction a lingering ache through his entire body, and it starts to take it's toll. Adam dulls that ache the only way he knows how, with a different kind of ache. But it's pulling those threads and knots tighter, letting every thing Adam about him slip away and leaving only a mess of tragedy behind.

 

But how was he supposed to say this? How was he supposed to explain this to Ronan when he could barely explain it himself? 

So he settled with the only thing he did know, 

'im not okay.' He admitted.

He wasn't okay. 

\--- 

Ronan wasn't sure if this was good or not. Adam admitting it. Adam Parrish, the most stubborn asshole he's ever encountered, saying the words I'm not okay was never something he thought he'd hear. It scared him. 

Although, most things did these days.  
He's not surprised Adam isn't okay, he isn't either. How could they be, after everything they went through? After everything that happened? 

But he was dealing. He was coping. He supposed opal had a big part to play in that, the strange girl meant a great deal to him and though he'd never admit it, he wanted to be a good role model. Someone that could take care of her and chainsaw and the farm properly. Which means no getting drunk, or racing at 4 in the morning, or doing anything that could put them or himself in danger. 

But so did Adam. Adam inspired Ronan more then he could ever know. Watching him persevere, working so hard and making something of himself when he'd had to struggle for every opportunity to do so, made Ronan want to find that same motivation and drive in himself. Ronan didn't need alcohol or racing to make him feel alive when he had Adam. 

Adam, whose simple kisses flooded Ronan with a sense of thrill and contentment it spilled out of him in breathless moans and whispers. 

 

He wasn't just coping, he was trying, trying everything he could do to get better. To do better.

He wanted Adam to do the same.

It was gone midnight and Ronan couldn't sleep. His mind was too restless, whirring with thoughts and feelings and everything in-between, when he heard a whimper. It was like a whisper, a breath, a gust of wind, and he thought maybe that's all it was. 

His body stilled and he slowed his heavy breathing, making it so quiet he almost startled when he heard it again. 

Adam shook next to him, clutching his pillow tightly, crying almost silently. Ronan was sure that if he wasn't awake, he never would have heard it. He's glad he was awake.

'Adam, wake up!' he shook his shoulder, but Adam didn't wake up, only tightening the grip he had on the pillow.

'Adam, it's just a dream, Parrish wake up! Fuck sake ADAM' 

He springed up from his position on the bed, scrambling to the other side and shaking violently.

Ronan wasn't a stranger to nightmares. They were, for a long time, one of the few constants he had in his life . But he was usually the one having them, not the other way around.

'Adam, breathe man, you need to breathe.' 

'I know' he snapped, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

Ronan slowly moved his hand out, stopping a distance away from him and letting Adam come to him in his own time. 

Tentatively, he held him close to his chest and waited for his breathing to even out before he asked, 'how long?' 

No answer. 

'how long, Parrish?' he repeated.

'since I left for college.'

'fuck' Ronan breathed out. Jesus Mary FucK.

'yeah. Fuck' he agreed, fiddling with the strings on Ronan's hoodie.

'why didn't you tell me?' Ronan asked, eventhough he already knew the answer.

'i thought I was fine.' he murmured into his chest. 

'well you're not.' 

Adam snorted, 'yeah, no shit sherlock.' 

Ronan scrunched up is nose in distaste, 'No, pick someone else. Do you think I'd wear a tweed hat? Absolutely not.' 

'I don't know, I mean you are a farmer. Perhaps you should get one…' he joked.

' I, an 18 year old boy, run my farm made up of dream animals in ripped jeans with a saytr girl clinging to my leg and a raven on my shoulder. I'm not you're classic farmer.' 

Adam scoffed, 'Dream cows or real cows, you're shoveling shit regardless.' 

'Wow, good to know you think so highly of my career,' he places a hand on his heart in mock hurt, 'you wound me Parrish.'

For the first time, a small smile plays on Adams lips and there's an amused glint in his eye.

'Oh come on, you know I think it's hot.' 

He did. On more then one occasion when he'd been carrying hay bales or fixing fencing he'd noticed Adam watching him. When he did, he purposefully flexed more just to see the way he looked at him, eyes trailing his body. He'd never let Adam know that, though.

'You know, when I first asked you what your weirdest kinks were, that would've been a good time to bring this up. Tell me, is it the cow shit that turns you on? Or do I have to wear my wellies too?' 

Adam punches him hard on the shoulder, 'Fuck off Lynch,' he grumbled as Ronan roared with laughter. 

As Ronan settled down he turned to face Adam, and found he was already looking back at him.

'i missed your laugh. It's just like you. loud and obnoxious' 

'Thanks, love you too,' Ronan cuts in

'and so beautiful' he finishes, making Ronan's cheeks blush a furious pink. 

Ronan runs a finger delicately across Adams cheekbone and sharp jawline, and his eyelids flutter closed at the touch. 

'Goodnight Ronan' 

'Goodnight Adam.'

\---

 

The sunlight bled through the curtains and Adam shyed away from it, sinking further into Ronan, running his cold hands under his shirt and enjoying the warmth. Ronans eyes slowly opened, the unusual softness in his features that only came after a night sleeping next to his boyfriend. 

They had to get up, had to get to foxway before lunch otherwise they would be hearing an earful from both blue and opal. Something they very much didn't want.

Adam felt slightly more at ease then yesterday, the comfort and peacefulness he usually felt around Ronan starting to appear. But it was distant, held at bay by the obvious tension that Adam knew he was causing. 

He was incredibly grateful Ronan wasn't making too big a deal out of all of this, out of the way he's been behaving, or the nightmares he's been having, but knew that it wouldn't last long. He sighed just thinking about it, thinking about the lecture he would be hearing, about the inevitable ignorant remarks that usually accompanied those lectures. Adam knew he wasn't fine, Adam knew he was struggling, but he just wasn't ready to address it yet. Wasn't ready to have to explain something he wasn't even sure he could. 

Knowing he wasn't okay was pretty much the extent of what he did know. There was something itching his insides, something suffocating him, something crushing his chest, something so overwhelming and uncomfortable. But that something was a mystery him. Was it sadness? Or guilt? Or hopelessness? Or grief? 

He didn't know. He didn't really think it mattered. What mattered was college, getting straight A's, paying his bills, and achieving the goals he's already worked so hard to reach. Everything else was just…irrelevant. His emotions were irrelevant. 

When they entered foxway, women walking all around him, Adam truly realised how alone he'd been feeling at college. He dreaded going back.

Walking into the kitchen, Ronan by his side, they were greeted by everyone crammed together.

Gansey, Blue, Henry, Opal, Maura, Mr. Gray, and Calla all turned to then with giant smiles when they noticed then enter and Opal ran into Adams arms who picked her up and hugged her so incredibly tight.

He seemed to struggle a bit more to hold her weight and wondered if she'd grown more since he'd last seen her. That must be why.

She tugged on his hair in greeting and rested her head on his shoulder, gnawing on the hood of the jacket.  
Thankfully, he'd picked up Ronan's instead of his by mistake on the way out. 

'Adam!' Gansey cheered, holding his fist out towards him, 'it's so good to see you! How's college life, as great as you were expecting?' 

Adam bumped his fist with his own, and shrugged and well as he could with opal still clinging to his side, 'yeah, man, it's great.' he forced a smile on his face and hoped it looked more genuine then it felt. 

He didn't spot the strange looks blue and Henry were giving him, or the way Calla and Maura discreetly pushed the plate of cookies on the counter close to the side Adam was stood by. Ronan did.

They moved from the kitchen to the garden, sitting in the grass together under the scorching summer heat.  
Opal chased chainsaw around, squealing and giggling as she did, and Mr. Gray sat to the side, slowly sipping a beer and appearing in a world of his own. Maura knew, though, that he was absorbing every word they said and not letting a single movement unnoticed. 

He already had Adam and Ronan figured out, but he didn't say anything as he didn't think it was his place. 

'So, Adam,' blue says, narrowing her eyes in his direction and looking him up and down, 'you look skinnier.' 

Gansey almost choked on his lemonade, looking mildly alarmed between them and shooting Ronan nervous glances. 

Fuck sake, Ronan thought, has she never heard of being subtle? 

Of course she had, he answered himself, she just didn't care for it. He supposed he had to respect her for getting straight to the point.

Adam didn't think the same, clearly, by the way his features stiffened and he glared at blue.

'Congratulations, you have eyes.' he responded, knowing there was no point pretending he hadnt, and turning from blue to watch Opals antics.

'Why?' She demanded, and Ganseys nerves seemed to morph into a look of worry and concern Ronan was sure was on his face too. With their attention focused on Adam, he didn't feel the need to hide it. 

Adam let out an exasperated sigh, picking grass from the ground, 'jeez, I don't know blue. I just have, I guess. Its no big deal.' 

This didn't seem to appease blue, who looked ready to tell him exactly what she thought of that, when Ganseys placed a hand on her forearm and gave a gentle squeeze. She backed down, but not from the staring contest the two were now caught in.

Henry, who looked appropriately uncomfortable, moved the conversation into trouble the three had run into on their travels and successfully revived the chatty mood. 

Adam sends him a thankful glance before excusing himself for a moment. He needed a break. 

He loved them, of course he did, but sometimes their love was too much and he was still getting used to handling it. Getting used to having people to answer too when he's only ever had parents that probably would have been glad had he starved to death. One less burden.

He hadn't noticed that Ganseys had followed him inside, until he turned around and startled at his presence.

'sorry, didn't mean to scare you' he says, walking over to sit on the chair next to him.

'its fine' 

'So, how you finding college?' he asks, turning his complete attention to Adam.

'I already told you, Gans, it's great.' 

'yes, you did say that. I was just hoping this time you'd tell me the truth.' 

Jesus Christ, couldn't Adam go one second without someone trying to play therapist? Why won't they just let him be?

Either Gansey could read thoughts now, or Adam wasn't as hard to read as he once had been, because he added, 'Dont. I know what you're thinking, but Adam, were just worried about you because we love you. That's what family does, they're nosy and annoying and they get all up in your business even when you don't want them too, but it's always with good intentions.' 

Adam was still learning about family.

'Dont worry about me. Im fine.' 

Gansey looked disappointed, or hurt, he couldn't tell.

'Well, glad to hear you're doing so well, then' Ganseys said, all polite voice and sweet smile, but Adam could hear the hidden sarcasm hidden beneath it. He wasn't sure if he should be proud or pissed. He settled with both.

'ADAM COME CONTROL YOU'RE DOG'  
Blue called, barely audible over the unmistakable sound of Ronan's cackle, a clear indicator that he was misbehaving.

'Guess that's our cue' Adam said as he stood up and walked back into the garden, blatantly ignoring Ganseys stare burning the back of his head.

This was going to be a long day.

 

\--- 

Maura and Calla were shuffling their tarot cards as Blue aided Mr. Gray who was cooking dinner. The others stood to the side, making idle conversation. 

'Not those fucking things' Ronan complains as he spots the cards in their hands. Blue rolls her eyes as she cuts up peppers, and Calla scowls at him. 

'sit' she demands. 

Ronan protested for a strong 10 minutes before he relented, which he claims has nothing to do with the fact Calla threatened to eat his dream cows. 

He sat in front of then, frowning down at the cards and chewing on the leather bands around his wrist. 

He turned over the first card.

The tower, reversed.

Maura spoke, 'Your afraid. You avoided disaster, avoided great tragedy, but you're still afraid for more suffering. Afraid it isn't really over. 

He turned over the second.

Three of cups. 

'Your reunited with your friends, your happy to come together again and spend time with those you love.' Callas scowl softened slightly as she talked

He turned over the last card.

The lovers stared back at him. Maura said, amused, 'i think you know what this one means.' 

He certainly did. He looked to Adam and couldn't help the slight twitch to his lips. 

'Your turn, lover' he purrs, sarcasm dripping from his words and a mischievous smirk on his face that made Adam huff with laughter. 

Any softness to Calla melted away as she rolled her eyes and shuffled the cards again. 

Adam was used to this, and sat without protest unlike his idiot of a boyfriend. 

The quiet seemed more intense then it had before, and he noticed everyone was watching on intrigued. Even Blue and the gray man had stepped away from the kitchen to join, eagerly waiting. He didn't know why they cared more about his then Ronans. Or rather he did, he just didn't want to accept it.

He flipped the first card, and he practically felt the room stiffen.

The five of cups.

'You're suffering. You're depressed.' Calla says bluntly.

Maura expands, though he doesn't need her too, 'Sadness, loss, anger, loneliness, grief, guilt. You are isolating yourself and focusing on all of these negative emotions, and closing yourself off from the happiness around you. You have the power to change this, but you have to choose to focus on the good, rather then the bad.' 

Adam turned over the next card.

Three of swords.

'I see we have a pattern' Calla mutters.

He didn't want her to continue. She did anyway.

'It indicates you're struggling through an emotional hardship, perhaps even trauma or a disorder.' she finished with a raised eyebrow, looking meaningfully at him. He chose to ignore it.

He reaches for the next card but she continues, unperturbed by his his glare.

'You must give yourself time to heal. Reach out for support from those around you.'

'okay, I get it!' Adam snarled, 'you think im depressed. Can we finish?' 

He doesn't wait for her answer before reaching for the last card, hurriedly flipping it around and hoping for at least one good one.

The lovers, just like Ronan. He let out a breathe of relief, not having to endure a third explanation he really didn't want to hear.

He stood up from the chair and walked back to Ronan's side, ignoring their stares. He was getting pretty fucking sick of their looks of pity, one more and he'd be gone. 

\---

To put it lightly, dinner was a disaster.

The days events were weighing down on Adam, and he wasn't even sure why. In the grand scheme of things, this could barely even be considered a bad day compared to his previous bad days.  
But it only took a straw to break the camels back. And right now, people piling more and more food on his plate, avoiding talking about college at all costs, and talking to him as if he were a fragile piece of glass about to shatter at any given moment, was definitely his last straw. His hand tightened around his fork, the metal pressing into his palm as he pushed uneaten food around his plate. 

'ugh, I know, tourists are the worst. Seriously, if I have to deal with a single boneheaded moron on our plane to Italy I'm going to jump out the plane and kill myself!' Henry complained.

'i think you're forgetting you're a tourist, too' countered Gansey as he nudged the bread basket into Adams direction. 

Breathe.

'Besides,' interjected blue, 'don't make jokes like that. Suicide isn't funny.'  
She was very obviously not looking in Adams direction.

Breathe.

'Well, no, of course not. I don't think Henry meant any harm by it though.' Gansey argued.

'So, Adam,' Maura began, changing the subject, 'I heard your working at the garage by campus. How is that? Any different to Boyd's?' 

Adam cleared his throat, pulling his sleeves down attempting to beat chill,  
'uh, yes ma'am. But It's basically the same, only less hours.' 

Ronan snorted and mumbled something Adam couldn't catch. It pissed him off anyway.

'Thats good, it's important to not overwork yourself.' Gansey added 

Breathe, Adam.

Blue frowned, looking between Ronan and Adam  
'Ronan, he's your boyfriend. Why aren't you the one telling him this? 

Snap. 

The only reassurance was Ronan looked pissed too. 

He lets his fork fall from his grasp onto the plate with a clink, and shot up from his seat. The quick movement made the room seem to sway beneath his feet and his vision blur for a moment, but the words were already spilling from his mouth. 

'Stop! Would you all just stop it! I've had enough, I am fed up of you all treating me like I'm this fragile thing you don't want to break, constantly walking on eggshells around me. I am fed up! I don't want your goddamn pity. You've been looking at me like I'm some wounded animal from the second I got here and I -' 

'Parrish,' Ronan steps towards him, stretching out a comforting hand. The others all sit completely still, in stunned silence with guilty faces.

Guilty for what they were doing? Or guilty that they got caught? Adam ponders.

He tries to turn away from them all, even Ronan, but the sudden movement was too much and he looses his balance. Ronan was there to catch him, his arms balancing Adam upright.

'Steady, Adam. Christ.' 

Black dots dance in his vision and he can feel the tremble in his hands. 

Fuck, why is it so cold? 

'Hey, Adam, you good?' Ronan asks, gently shaking him. 

Adam doesn't respond, and instead slumps in his arms, limbs going limp and eyes rolled back. 

'ADAM!' 

 

\---

 

Ronan hates hospitals. Hates that Adam is in the hospital. Hates that he's unconscious in the hospital making Ronan scared shitless. 

He hates a lot of things. But this is by far the worst.

Ganseys puts a steadying hand on Ronan's bouncing leg,  
'He's going to be fine, Ronan.'

'He doesn't have a fucking choice to not be, Im not giving him one.'  
Ronan is aware it sounds mildly childish, as though he has any say. But as long as Ronan lynch is breathing Adam will be too, no exceptions. He'd find a way to drag his ass back from the grave if he had too, but he won't have too. He won't.

The doctor comes out, clipboard in hand, and Ronan leaps from his seat. 

'How is he? Is he okay? Can I see him?' 

The doctor doesn't seem phased by the incredibly tall, intimidating guy staring him down, and simply begins explaining Adams condition.

'Mr. Parrish is fine. He collapsed due to dehydration and malnourishment, he's severely underweight for a male his age and height, and his body is under a lot of stress. He's currently resting right now as he was extremely fatigued and disoriented when he woke. We'll be keeping him under surveillance for the next 48 hours until he's had plenty of fluids and food, and our psychologist wants to have a chat with him before he leaves to discuss why his weight is so low and the effects it's having on his body. You can see him now but he most likely won't be awake until morning.' 

Gansey and Maura thanked the doctor and Ronan left them behind talking about …something or other, he wasn't listening. He was itching to see Adam. He was okay, or at least he would be, and that was enough for now. 

Walking into the room, Adam was asleep in the bed, his tiny frame curled beneath the covers. Ronan felt his eyes stinging but decided he needed to be strong for Adam and pushed them back as he sat down next to him. He gently picked up his hand and placed it in his lap, his thumb running circles on the back of his palm. 

Gansey, blue and Henry entered the room quietly, Gansey looking distraught as he looked at Adam and Blues eyes began to water. 

Ronan inwardly begs that she doesn't cry, knowing it will be that much harder not too if she does. 

Maura went back to foxway, where Calla and Gray were looking after Opal and chainsaw.

'Hes going to be pissed when he wakes up in a hospital' Henry thinks aloud.

Ronan lets out an amused huff, knowing he was right.

'Yeah, well, good. If he's pissed he won't let it happen again.' 

At least that's what he hopes. He hopes that it scares Adam as much as it scared him so that he'll accept their help and see it for what it is - love. Not pity.

Because they love him. Love him more then he will ever know.

\---

 

Adam awoke to a tedious beeping that makes him wish he was deaf in both ears. 

Opening his eyes, he's met by harsh lights that instantly make his eyes water. Where the fuck was he? 

Blinking and letting his eyes adjust, his mind runs through the last thing he remembers.

Foxway. Tarot cards. Dinner. Yelling. 

Yelling, that's the last thing he remembers doing, so why was he…

In a hospital room? 

Henry is spread across a chair, head flopped to the side and legs resting across Ganseys who's reading a book, glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. Adam pulls himself into a sitting position, and Ganseys head snaps up at the sound of movement. 

'Adam! You're a awake! How are you feeling!? Oh, i should get the nurse'  
He shoots out the room, knocking Henry's legs out the way, who awakes at the commotion.

'hmm?' he mumbles, running a tired hand across his eyes. 

A couple minutes later the door swings open, but instead of Gansey with the nurse, he's accompanied by Blue and Ronan who walk through carrying four coffees. Blue stops when she spots Adam awake and Ronan crashes into her from behind.

'For fuck sake, maggot, walk will ya?' 

'Mornin' Adam croaks, his accent completely slipping out. 

Ronan, in an exact repeat of Gansey only moments earlier, snaps his head to look at him, taken off guard. 

But, unlike Gansey who greeted Adam with enthusiasm and glee, Ronan greeted him with anger.

Or, worry concealed with anger. Adam wasn't fooled.

'About time sleeping beauty, thought I was gonna have to awaken you with a kiss!' Ronan was no stranger to sarcasm, so Adam wasnt expecting anything else as he blew a kiss at him and then slammed a coffee cup on the table by Henry's head. 

'Ronan' Gansey warned.

'You're pissed.' Adam observed.

'Damn right I'm pissed!' Ronan growls, 'I'm pissed that my boyfriend's struggling. And I'm pissed that he won't let me help him through it. And I'm pissed that he's in the hospital because he won't take care of himself. And I'm pissed that I didn't do a better job making sure that you were. And I'm pissed that I'm pissed because it's spring break and we were supposed to be in bed at home, completely happy. But you're not. You're not happy at all and I don't know how to help you to be.  
So yes, Adam, I am very overwhelmingly pissed.' 

Oh.

Adam didn't know how to respond to that. He searched his brain for something to say but the only thing that kept coming up was,

'Im sorry.' 

'Dammit, Adam, how many times do I need to tell you I don't want an apology. You don't have to apologize. You just have to get better.' 

'I will.' 

'And we'll all be here to help you.' Gansey says, 'and not for any other reason then because we want to be.'

'What they said' Henry chirps, smiling sleepily. 

'Thanks.' Adam quavered, eyes dropping low, too ashamed to meet their eyes. 

'So,' said Henry, 'who wants to come with me to McDonald's to get breakfast?' 

Both Gansey and Blue agreed to go with, and Henry shot him wink before shutting the room door, leaving Adam and Ronan alone.

Cheeky fucker.

\---

Adam had been let out the hospital the next day, and proceeded to spent the rest of spring break enjoying it.

Now, it's the morning he has to go back to college, but he doesn't want too. 

It had only been a week, but he'd felt he had made some progress, and he had the others to thank for that. He wasn't okay, and he wasn't better, but he would be. It would just take time.

He'd made the first step, which was usually the hardest; he'd accepted help. Maybe not with words, but he didn't have too. He accepted their support every time they ate together, everytime Ganseys sneaked more food into his plate and he smiled in return, everytime he told them more and more of the truth. 

He couldn't just open up to them, couldn't suddenly spill out his emotions, because that wasn't who he was. But if they asked him about college, he didn't say great. If they asked if about work, he didn't lie. It was a start. 

And Ronan was 'damn proud of him' as he told him last night when they had just come home after eating dinner at Ninos with the others. Adam guessed he should be proud of himself too, but that shame that whispered in his ear how this made him weak, made him pathetic, was too loud. Maybe he'd believe Ronan one day, just not today.

'You call me every day, okay?' Ronan instructs as he picks up Adams bags and puts them in the boot of the car.

 

'Okay.' Adam echoes.

Ronan closes the boot, and Adam spins him round, pushing him up against it and pressing their lips together. Adams hands came to rest at his waist and Ronan ran his fingers through Adams hair, tugging slightly. Adam let his head follow the pull, and broke the kiss, touching their foreheads together and drinking in every curve and line of his face. 

Adam wouldn't be better because he had a boyfriend. Adam would be better because his best friend, who just happened to be his boyfriend, supported him through all of his struggles. Adam would be better because he had a family to care for him, to pick him up when he was struggling to do it himself, or when he was letting himself fall. And because they made him want to get better. 

Adam survived through so much, and now he'd survive through all of it again in the form of nightmares. He would survive against one of his biggest bullies: himself. And he'd come out strong and determined, not numb and broken. 

Adam Parrish was tired. Not of life, but of the struggles of life. So he would conquer them, and when he does, he's going to change the world. 

Because what is Adam Parrish, if not ambitious?

**Author's Note:**

> Please if you enjoyed the story, comment and leave kudos!  
> And if you didn't, well done for making it through anyway and leave a comment telling why.
> 
> And go check out my new trc story the wicked wonders of woodhaven!


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